It’s time to start promoting The Parents’ Phrase Book and I only ask that you don’t unfriend/unfollow me for all of the blatant self-promotion on the horizon. Also, buy the book.
The release date is January 18, 2014, but if you want to give The Parents’ Phrase Book as a gift please contact me (you can leave a comment here) and I will send a handwritten note to the gift recipient that you can present them on the holiday of your choice! It’s cooler than it sounds.
Thank you for all of your support!
The first thing I did was kick the bucket. I have a dark sense of humor and I enjoy physical comedy. Also, I didn’t know what the hell was in it, and I wanted to give it a nudge to see what happened.
I DID NOT DIE.
Turns out that the bucket (and some other goodies) had been sent by the lovely folks at Kikkoman for Thanksgiving brining purposes. You put your turkey in there.
So I did. Both of them.
And then I read the instructions and apparently it involves cooking said turkey for a big holiday feast, and federal laws clearly state that I am not allowed to do this. Your country may vary.
Oh, this kind of turkey (left).
Hold for laughs.
That’s right, Thanksgiving is next week (whaaaaaat?) and brining a turkey is supposed to be the best way to guarantee a juicy bird for your dining pleasure. The thing is, we are vegetarians, and while that wasn’t always the case (my wife swears by a history of brining), that is the way it is now. This is where you might think we are out of luck.
YOU ARE WRONG.
Did you know that you can brine vegetables? True story.
And that is what we are going to do.
The extended family, however, will brine a turkey just like Benjamin Franklin wanted. After all, this is America.
And there will be plenty of thanks for everyone.
Turkey Vegetable Brine
Ingredients (Recipe for a 16–24 pound turkey or a small farmers’ market):
2 gallons cold water
10 ounces Kikkoman Naturally Brewed Soy Sauce
½ cup kosher salt
½ cup sugar
2 tablespoons dried sage
2 tablespoons dried celery seed
1 tablespoon dried thyme
See Kikkoman’s brine site for instructions.
This post is sponsored by Kikkoman, but the sincerity (or lack of it) is all mine! I will be sharing some original(ish) family-friendly recipes in the coming months, stay tuned and stay hungry, my friends!
If I were to tell you that the sky was falling you might call me a chicken and look up just to mock me. In which case I would probably hit you in the back of the head with a shoe or a phone book because failing to do so would only reward such behavior and we pamper our assholes far too much as it is. I’m talking about congress, not flushable wipes, but I’ve heard it both ways. Also, what else am I supposed to do with a phone book?
The point is, you don’t listen to a damn thing I say, and when I ask for another drink don’t think of it as a request but a compromise. You pour another and I’ll sit here a little while longer even though I’ve heard this story about a dozen times and it fails to get better. If you’re going to be so damn boring the least you could do is embellish it a bit. Life is so much more interesting when there are lies dancing through it. Everybody knows you have to break rules to tango.
Last night I was up well past this morning and I have nothing to show for it but circles under my eyes and squares in a glass that are clear and slowly melting. That is the shape of things and those still to come. You said you didn’t sleep at all, which is probably true despite your lack of sagging souvenirs. To suggest otherwise would imply that you have listened, or you are lying about it, and that is exactly the same thing. Just pour a damn drink and get to the part where you laugh too loud.
You say the sky is blue and stretches taut like skin across a memory. I say that it is falling, and I dare you to look anywhere but at me.
It’s Movember, and you know what that means, it’s that time of year when a man’s heart turns to his prostate, testicles, and mental health. And so should you!
This year the boys and I are all growing moustaches to raise awareness and donations for Movember—a campaign that has shown incredible progress toward finding cures and saving the men in our lives. A single dollar donation might be the one that saves your father, husband, brother, son, boyfriend, cousin, neighbor, uncle, grandfather, football hero, boy band member, grocer, soldier, teacher, firefighter, hairstylist, actor, blogger, so forth and so on. Or it might save you.
The bottom line is our top lip, and you can help save every single man you have ever met. There are worse ways to spend a buck.