Honea Express

Archive for the ‘kids’ Category

“If the stars were any closer I would fight them,” he said.

“The stars are not the problem, it’s the people between them that are causing all the trouble.”

“Then why is it called Star Wars?” he asked.

“Why aren’t you in bed?”

He stood there laughing in his pajamas, seeming so much smaller than a moment before.

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“The doctor called,” she said. “They say she only has two months left. Maybe three.”

“Holy fuck. How is she? How is he?”

“They aren’t good,” she said into a phone far away. “They found out on Friday, but you were in San Francisco and we didn’t want to bother you. There was nothing you could do.”

There still isn’t.

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“Is a cable car the same as a trolley?” he asked. His hands were grasping polls on either side and his feet were firm along the running board. The hills were fickle, climbing high then falling forever. The street was a blur beneath his dirty blue Converse.

“Are you having fun?”

He smiled against the wind and watched the peak rise to meet us.

“I am,” he answered.

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“We are shutting it down,” she said.

“Oh.”

“You have been here from the beginning, and this is hard,” she said.

“I know.”

“I’m sorry,” she added.

“I know.”

I walked for a while after that, lost in thought beneath a sky too blue and trees with the audacity to bloom.

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This is going to be a long one. No, that’s not what she said. It was me. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, people.

Anyway, what I’m trying to type is that it is once again time to clean out the ol’ review closet. That means you’re all winners. Except there isn’t a giveaway. Remember, someone famous once said, “I’ll only review stuff that is worth reviewing,” and I said it on this very blog. What does that mean to you, the winners? I’m glad I pretended that you asked, because the following items are things that either I, or a member of my family, enjoyed, and as such we believe that you, or a member of your family, would also enjoy them. It’s all about the giving.

She did say that one.

Now, stuff:

Did you know that Duran Duran is touring in support of a new album? The record is called All You Need is Now, and OH. MY. GOD. that is so true. The new stuff is actually really good, but a recent show in L.A. proved that the old stuff holds up pretty well, too.

Also holding up well? Duran Duran. Seriously, the guys look better than they did when I was a kid (at which time they were also kids). It was like watching Brad Pitt and the Cloonettes up there (which, by the way, should totally be a band).

If you get a chance to see Duran Duran in concert you should do it. Tell them I sent you, I’m sure they’ll remember me. On a side note, don’t yell, “Rio!” over and over. They’ll get to it.

When I opened the Freaky Pets box I knew I was in trouble. There was one cute little toy in there, just chillin’, and two cute little boys behind me, not chillin’. I braced myself for the fight.

Luckily, my children tend to surprise me from time to time, and this was one of them. They actually shared the Freaky Pet, which is a plush creature that turns inside out — yes, inside out, and goes from cute to “cranky” in about three seconds flat. Also, online virtual world.

Did that just blow your mind?

Kids can personalize, train, and care for their Freaky Pets online. They can even connect with friends online and play games with them too! The plush pets and 3-D game combine the timeless fun of collecting stuffed animals with age-appropriate content online. It’s the future, folks. And the future is now.

I took that picture with my iPhone. Now it’s hanging on the wall in our living room. No, I didn’t nail my phone to the wall (although, thanks to AT&T I’ve been tempted on several occasions). I went to Easy Canvas Prints and had the photo placed on canvas — hence their name. It was easy — more hencing.

All you have to do is pick the picture of your choice, upload it to their user-friendly site, and then pick from a few options (size and so forth). It took me all of five minutes. Of course, the hard part is picking the photo.

If you know me in real life you know that I look like a caveman, but smell like a clean caveman, and that’s because I’m a firm believer in twice-weekly personal hygiene management. Thanks to Dove and their line of men + smell good, I’m turning heads where I used to be wilting flowers.

The Dove® Men + Care™ line is formulated specifically for men who prefer a mild, unscented body and face wash that clinically fights dryness better than regular men’s body washes. Clinically, people. That’s like WebMD and shit.

It’s also hypoallergenic and is created without dyes and fragrances for sensitive skin, not that any man has that. Dove says that their new deodorants and antiperspirants are designed to last 48 hours, but I’ve had the same stick for weeks. The stuff works.

If you’d like to know more about man smells you can read skincare tips from Dr. Benabiothe, who is apparently an expert on such things, or tweet Dove Men + Care at @dovemencare.

If you know me in real life you know that I look like a caveman, a ruggedly handsome caveman, that’s because I stole that last part from Castle (and the first part from the Dove review above). It’s an awesome show on ABC staring Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic as a writer and detective, respectively, that work together to solve crimes, create bestsellers and stir sexual tension. And it’s really funny.

Season Four just started on the TV box (which I don’t have, but I watch it on Hulu!), and Castle: The Complete Third Season just came out on DVD, which I do have, and I watch it accordingly. Still funny. Also, parenting skills.

FastPencil and Mercer Mayer have a new book called Mercer Mayer’s Little Monster Fun and Learn Book, which is better than it sounds. The book emphasizes early education and provides readers with learning fun in ABC’s, counting, and enjoying bedtime.

We received a copy in the mail today and the boys were immediately drawn to it. In fact, Atticus read the entire thing aloud to Zane over a bowl of Monsterpolitan cereal. IT. WAS. A. MONSTER. PARTY!

I’ll be reading the book again this evening — especially the part about enjoying bedtime.

Like Mercer Mayer on Facebook. I bet he’d like that.

And last, but not least, right before we moved I was sent a box of Green Lantern stuff. The graphic novel was fantastic, but not appropriate for my boys (definitely PG-13), and the animated version on DVD was equal on both accounts. However, the toys were unimaginative and not very well made, which seems wrong because Green Lantern is all about imagination. And staying in school, kids. Plus, the live-action movie looked so bad that I didn’t even see it. Still haven’t — and Green Lantern is one of my favorite heroes.

They did send Green Lantern rings though, which are so freaking awesome that I’m writing about it anyway. Darkest night and all that:

And there you have it, friends, reviews of things that I reviewed and more or less enjoyed (or my family more or less enjoyed them).

Disclosure: All of the items were sent to me by their respective manufacturers or PR Firms at no cost to me. The opinions, obviously, are my own. Please note, despite my having a bit of fun with the products I am very grateful for having had the opportunity to review them, and I thank those that thought enough to send them to me. San Dimas football rules.

The day the Mechatars box arrived on our doorstep the boys went wild. Well, they were already wild, but suddenly their screaming and shouting had focus, which is nice.

You: What in the wide world of shorts are Mechatars?

Me: You have clicked to the right place, because for the duration of this post I am a paid spokesperson for Mechatars and am thereby contractually obligated to tell you all about them.

You: What does that mean?

Me: It means quit talking to your computer screen and keep reading. Also, that I received a Mechatar from iLove Robots for my boys to review. Well, they just played, and I reviewed. Also, I’m being paid to write this (but the content and opinion are ALL ME unless otherwise noted).

You: Thank you for clearing that up. I’ve read your policy on reviews and giveaways, and find you to be a trusted and knowledgeable voice in the world of product endorsement. Also, handsome.

Me: You’re right.

And now the stuff about the thing.

What they say: Mechatars are a new, interactive play experience iLove Robots call “blended reality.” Brand-new and launching this fall, Mechatars combines the best of online gaming and RC robotic toys by connecting the physical world and online world through cloud computing.

What I say: The Mechatar that we received looks like a dinosaur. It makes cool noises and scared the crap out of the dog, which is always funny. It was a bit difficult to sync online (there is a special link for Mac users that we didn’t notice, and drives to download and install), but once we got it going the boys really enjoyed the website.

What they say: Even young kids expect a high-level of tech sophistication and Mechatars meets them where they are playing (perfect for ages 6-12).

What I say: I work online. I know the internet. Within five minutes of playing on the Mechatars website I felt really old. It moves fast and I couldn’t figure it out. However, the kids took to it immediately. This is why the “perfect ages” doesn’t stretch to 40.

Why do you need to go online? Because your respective Mechatar can “accept missions in the physical world to traverse the terrain and then continue to battle it out online using strategic tactics to earn points to upgrade your weapons across the Eight Elements in the Mechaverse.” I’ve heard worse reasons to go online. Heck, I’m one of them.

The verdict: One of the boys really preferred the remote control aspect of the Mechatar, and the other was more interested in the online options. Both thought the idea of battling another Mechatar in real life was a great one.  They gave it two thumbs up (actual thumbs up not pictured).

Mechatars will launch across America this fall. They will be available at stores like Target, Radio Shack, Amazon, Toys R’Us and iloveRobots.com (MSRP: $39.99). If you visit the iloveRobots.com site before 11/30/2011 you can use this coupon code for 10% savings: MECHMOM

Tech dads can use it, too.

You: That’s all very interesting, but where’s the giveaway portion of this post?

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of pushy?

The Giveaway Portion of This Post

Here’s how you can win a Mechatar of your very own!

Visit www.Mechatars.com and look at the Mechatar lineup (you must click “play now” and “register” but you do not need to submit any information), then leave a comment on this post (below) saying which one you would like to win and why. Yes, why. Please note, I don’t need a lot of backstory.

All entries must be in by 11:59 p.m. (PST) on Monday, September 26. Winner will be drawn at random by someone random. It’s a circle of random randomness. Like college.

Contest open to the lower 48 (that’s the U.S.A. minus AK and HI and Canada).

Prize fulfillment will be subject to stock limitations. You may want to include a second choice just in case. That’s called being prepared, people.

See you in the Mechaverse!

A winner has been picked at random. Congrats to Stephanie V. and her new Mechatar.

I was selected to participate in this sponsored post series by Clever Girls Collective. I’m sure they regret it already.

This old house is now an obstacle course full of twists and turns and too many boxes.  But it is new to us, and what we see as an overwhelming feat is overwhelming much smaller feet with adventure and promise. Overwhelming, it seems, means different things to different people.

There are stairs that never cease to go up or down, and light switches that turn day from night and shine small shadows upon walls unscathed.  Once there were echoes, but they are now endangered by a floor slowly covered with the filling, filling of so many things.

This old house was once a barn. The yard was once a ranch. The creek outside the backdoor was once running rampant from heavy winter rains. I am told it will rise again. I plan to place a wall between us and the now dry bed before two curious boys learn too many lessons. I have enough to worry about without the threat of sweeping currents.

There are rolling hills and countless canyons. There are coyotes, lizards and snakes that sound of a baby’s playthings. We have left the forest for the desert and instead of bears in our trashcan we now have spiders in our everything. Instead of clouds that sit heavy across the brow we have sunshine that leaves the skin warm and always blushing.

This old house snaps and pops like Bob Villa’s breakfast. The air is thick with the memory of horses. The trees moan against breeze and boredom as they coax the boys onto branches and tire swings. They have more to give than shade and apples. And it is good.

There are dreams quietly waiting and others that go boldly into the night. I have a seat beneath a window, nothing to say and words to write. Now and again I see a smile pointed in my general direction. And sometimes there are waves involved.

It starts with an email. Then there is a phone call. You might get some training on their system. There are some guidelines. You print out a contract and some tax forms, sign them, and email them back to sender. You write your first post. Maybe there is some feedback. Maybe you just keep logging on, doing what you were told, and you never hear from anyone. Your inbox may be full of jokes and community. Your comments may be full of hate and ignorance. You hope there is a check, and you hope they keep coming.

Other sites like what you do. They want your name, your talent, and your Klout score. They offer you various levels of pay and flexibility. The money is never good, but sometimes it is just enough. At some point you are able to cut the strings to a day job you have always hated and you spend the next five years working from home, writing for a living, and loving your children for stretches of time that you never knew existed. This is your benefits package, and it is everything you need but medical.

It could be you are in a new town and your wife has a new job. This is the fresh start you always read about. You might be staying with friends while you are trying to find the perfect home. There are big plans and family dreams and finally, it is the time to seize them.  Everything could be coming up roses. Everything could smell just as sweet. But everything is full of thorns, and pretty flowers tend to mask the dangers lurking underneath.

Perhaps you are standing barefoot in the cool grass of your friend’s yard, holding a phone to your ear and straining to hear the words that are changing your life forever. Perhaps it is the third straw in as many months, and it breaks your camel’s back accordingly.

It ends with an email. There might be a phone call: It’s not you, it’s me. We’re letting go of everyone. We’re revamping the system. We’re going in a new direction. We need someone that will do twice your work for half your price. We love your writing.

And then the checks stop coming.

It could be that things will be okay, except that your well has run dry and you are so frozen with fear that you cannot coax your drive out of park. In a moment your big plans and family dreams are reduced to the facts: you are as good as unemployed and you do not have a home.

Your options are few, but options are all you have. Options are the rope that life likes to dangle like so many participles: a noose, a lifeline, a tug of war, and things you are at the end of. Life has a twisted sense of humor.

Maybe you look in the mirror and you see your children laughing through your reflection, and all you know is that they do not deserve this.  Your hair is thin and it is growing grayer.