Honea Express

Today is December 1, 2011 and according to the Mayans, the mustache has ended. This is good news.

Mustaches and my face do not get along. In fact, the only thing that looks worse on my face is a fist (or whatever dirty joke you just came up with). I actually wrote a musical about the experience of growing a mustache for charity and how torn I was about the process. On one lip, I was thrilled to raise money and awareness for Movember and the fight against prostate and testicular cancers — our Dad2.0 team raised over $19,000, and the good people at Philips Norelco are matching $15,000 of that thanks to a series of shaving videos that many of us have made. I would also like to add that Baby Showers for Guys is donating $500 to the team (which includes many of the DadCentric guys!) in the name of their contest winner (which appears to be me!). That’s roughly $35,000 to cancer research just by not shaving. If only all good causes were this lazy, we could find cures for everything!

But the bottom lip is, I look like a real creep with a mustache. Even more than usual.

My wife hated it. It put her on edge and made her meaner than normal. She just assumed I had nothing nice to say.

My kids hated it. They said that it was sharp and itchy. They had no idea.

Society hated it. I couldn’t walk across the school parking lot without people throwing cabbage and pitchforks at me. In other news, my cabbage and pitchfork resale business is doing great.

You’ll catch part of the aforementioned abandoned musical in the clip below. The line was, “I look like I live in my mother’s basement, but that will soon change with this product placement.” And then the Philips Norelco SensoTouch 3D (Model 1250XCC), the Jet Clean system, and the Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer would all get up and dance. It just wasn’t in the budget.

Here is the shaving video I made for Philips Norelco:

I will never shave the second mustache. That one isn’t creepy at all.

And now, a rare photo of me without facial hair:

I must admit, I swore off electric razors a long time ago, but the Norelco worked like a champ. It’s nice to work with products you can believe in. I’m looking at you, my phone service provider.

In case you are concerned that my freshly-shorn lip may catch cold this winter, don’t worry, I’m growing a dogstache. It’s really quite warm:

Thank you to all that participated, donated and restrained themselves from calling the authorities during the Movember campaign. Here’s to hitting cancer where it taint, once and for all.

Disclosure: The Philips Norelco products mentioned in this post were provided for free in exchange for the shaving video embedded above. I would like to thank Philips Norelco for the shaving system and their generous contribution to our Movember team.

Today is November 30, 2011. Do you know where your mustache is?

This is the last day of Movember, if ever you wanted to donate to the fight against prostate and testicular cancer, then now is that time. Operators are standing by.

You are probably wondering what I could possibly know about saving money. That’s fair. My coffers are bare and even Old Mother Hubbard has more bones in her cupboard than I do.  It’s been months since my job situation took a dive, and while we’re still far from looking up, we have leveled to a reasonable cruising level. Reasonable meaning the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelts sign due to large pockets of turbulence. Large, empty pockets. But enough with the metaphors.

There are lots of ways to save a dollar these days, the easiest being don’t spend it. The second easiest is to shop wisely. Wait, is that an oxymoron?

By shopping wisely I mean look for the right deals on the products you want, rather than buying on impulse. This is the best time of year to find great prices — and lots of them, hence my standing outside the mall at 11 p.m. last night full of turkey and too much wine.

Online shopping is great, too. For instance, on Cyber Monday you’re going to find some of the biggest sales of the season, and there’s a way to stretch those savings even further: Upromise. Shop at Upromise.com’s 900+ merchants to get the deals you like, plus cash back. You read me right, cash back. Money in your pocket, people.

And that’s my favorite way of saving money while shopping, getting it back. Try it, you’ll like it.

Disclosure: This winter I was given a rare opportunity to be a Upromise Ambassador, which means, yes, this is a paid post. I hope that doesn’t offend you. The reason that I agreed to this relationship is twofold, a) I’m buying what Upromise is selling, and b) I would not have been able to purchase my children a single Christmas gift if this opportunity hadn’t come about. That’s right, people, you’re reading a Christmas miracle. Believe.

The day left brown oak leaves littered across the orange brickwork like a dried and forgotten fire. Their shadows twisted and turned as they flirted with the lamplight and teased my tongue with longings of pumpkin, nutmeg, and the slightest hint of cinnamon. Then the rain fell and they curled up to reach it, the last grasp of an autumn laid dying. For that is fall, life going out in a blaze of glory through coffee steam and a lightly-frosted window.

My children are warm, and their bellies full. That is more than many may claim, but more often than naught it does not seem enough. We are spoiled by billboards and jingles. We want in waves, and going without turns desire as barren as winter. The tide swallows our footprints and we spend our lives walking in sand-washed circles.

Spring is a song I heard today. I danced despite myself and even hummed a few bars when only a memory lingered. It had a good beat and was as catchy as a firefly. I keep it in a jar in the back of my mind.

I know a man that lives his life in nothing but happiness. He has had one wife, eleven children, and a guitar shaped like the midday sun that twangs in echoes from every direction. He shines like summer on a postcard.

A sentiment of seasons rolls through me for but a moment, and then dreams become distorted by so much reality. The threat is this, all would blur into constant motion if not for the things we hitch ourselves to. For instance, when I tuck my children into their beds my kisses are many and each a soft anchor. They may float like parade balloons in the night, but they are safe from wind and fears. I am tethered tightly upon the curves of their smile, and I have no intention of ever letting go.

The thing about winning a major award without any sort of advanced notice is that you’re often caught with your virtual pants down and something difficult to explain in your hand. Seriously, have you ever tried to explain the perfect glass of bourbon? It’s not easy.

So it was that I received an email announcing that I, or rather this site, was ranked in Babble’s Top 50 Dad Blogs, while Honea Express was sitting here neglected, loading funny, and covered in reviews.

Still is.

However, being listed is pretty nice, especially since I haven’t been posting here nearly enough. It happens.

I’d like to say thanks to Babble, and more importantly, thanks to you. If it wasn’t for you nobody would give a crap what I did in this space, and I appreciate that every day.

I suppose this is kind of a lame post to have up on the blog now that I’m getting ones and ones of extra traffic, but I’m tired, Tom Waits is on the radio, and I’m thinking about drinking in the dark until the night takes me home.

This is what winning looks like, people.

I don’t think any of my other parent/professional blogging was taken into consideration for the list, but that’s what pays the bills, so if you have a moment please click below:

Kids Should Skip School (The Stir)

In Defense of Boys (DadCentric)

Occupy Childhood: Invest in Futures (BabyCenter)

Parenting on a Budget (BabyCenter)

Halloween and Other Scary Things (BabyCenter)

 Top 5 Superhero Movies of ALL TIME (JoeShopping)

Maker of “Word With Friends” to Launch Gaming for Acquaintances (Insert Eyeroll)

Thanks for all that voodoo you do, so well.