Posts Tagged ‘moms’

Boobs, Boys, and Bars

I was at the playground the other day. My kids were with me, it wasn’t weird. Actually, it was a bit weird because some of the moms were wearing bikinis (there is a splash area for the kids, but seriously, who wears a bikini to a playground?) and that made the awkward chasm of park conversation between moms and dads all the more daunting to cross. I chose to stand down and concentrate on the task at hand: monkey bars. My eyes were up here, big guy.

So we’re at the monkey bars, and there is some congestion at the front of the line because little Jimmy (name changed to protect his identity — plus, I can’t remember what his name was) is apparently coming to terms with his greatest fear (thus far). If he’s learned anything, and this is pure conjuncture, in his six years of periodic playground frivolity, it is that the monkey bars are a cruel and unforgiving adversary. There were tears, bribes and, eventually, fears realized. To be fair, he kind of set himself up for failure. You gotta believe, Jimmy!

I stood there with my kids and watched the war between boy and bars. Blisters may have been involved.

“You can go,” said Jimmy’s mom in our general direction.

My youngest reached for the rungs. He was smaller in stature than Jimmy, which I only mention because Jimmy, always the charmer, decided to stop crying just long enough to tell my son that he, too, would fail. You see, Jimmy, as he pointed out, is a bigger kid than my five-year-old, and as such, children smaller than him have no chance against the demons that he himself cannot face. It was a fairly impressive monologue.

Suddenly my oldest stepped forward and, I suppose to protect his brother’s pride, stretched out to that first piece of hot, yellow metal. The air was thick with Jimmy’s silence. My son went about three deep and fell to the sands below. He thought about crying, looked at the mud where Jimmy’s tears used to be, and stood up and walked back in our aforementioned general direction.

He glanced at his younger brother and gave him a look that was a fluid mix of I tried, it’s harder than it looks, and give ‘em hell. Then he glanced at Jimmy’s mom as she stood there smiling in her bikini, and I saw a different thought cross his eyes. I made a mental note to discuss it later.

My youngest, the smallest kid in our immediate area, didn’t say a word. He let his actions speak for him:

Then I had him do it again so I could film it.

“I told you I could do it,” he mumbled to no one in particular. You see, by the time the credits rolled Jimmy was gone. Vanished. Only that mental note, slowly floating on the breeze, remained. My boy didn’t care. There was a slide to conquer. He got to the bottom and he went back to the top. You know how the song goes.

It was getting late so I initiated the time-honored parenting staple known simply as the walk and talk.

“You sure were looking at that kid’s mom funny,” I said to the oldest. I braced myself for a myriad of boob-related replies.

“She looked nice,” he said. I held my breath as I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready for this.

“But,” he continued. “Her son was mean. Why did she let him act like that?”

“Oh,” I said. “I think he was just embarrassed. It happens to the best of us. I’m sure he’s a pretty nice kid.”

I started to exhale.

“And why was his mom in her underwear?”

“I don’t know,” I said as I took my boys by the hand and headed towards our now oven of a car. “I didn’t even notice.”


UPDATED – Moms Light Up This Contest: Winner!

Step off, Moms (and the people that love them). This contest is done. Not only that, this contest has a winner. And the winner is…

Sheliza! Sheliza blogs over at Mom Files and is the proud wife of internet sensation Dwayne. If you aren’t reading her you should be.  If you weren’t visiting her blog because it didn’t smell like Sun Dried Cotton, English Lavender, well, we’ve fixed that.  Besides, that’s kind of messed up. Scratch and sniff computers are so invasive. You do not want to smell what’s cooking up in here.

Um. Anyway, congrats, Sheliza. Don’t let Dwayne near the tassel.


This is supposed to be a post for my mother. Or my wife. Or my grandmothers.  This is supposed to be a post for a contest called Moms Light Up Our Lives, which they do, but it’s late, I’m tired and I don’t know where to begin.

I could write about my mother and how she raised me and some other kid and how I grew into a wonderful young man, which is true, but then I’d have to go on and on about why I’m so wonderful and that would take forever and as I mentioned, it’s late. Plus, she’s modest.

I could write about my wife and how she married the wonderful young man that my mother raised and in turn is raising two wonderful young men of her own, which is true, but then I’d have to go on and on about why they’re so wonderful and how she’s responsible and there would need to be pie charts and graphs and seriously? I’m too tired for that sort of thing. Besides, who needs pie charts? The only proof anyone should need is in the boys, and of course the pudding.

I could write about my grandmothers. One passed away when I was a kid and one less than a year ago. I could write about what they mean and how I miss them, but those are posts for tears not tassels (see below), and I don’t know where to begin.  My feelings there are not contest fodder.

So what does a guy that has been up all night with crying kids, needy pets and an aging bladder do for a contest? He segues.

Did someone say contest? Not unless you read aloud, but yeah, it’s written there (a few times if you want to get technical).  Here’s the lowdown: share your story about the maternal figure of your choice and be entered in the Moms Light Up Our Lives contest. You can win a prize and that prize can be a gift and everyone wins and everyone is happy and across us all a little more light will fall. And it will be scented accordingly.

Moms Light Up Our Lives Contest Information

The prize is a Root Candles Scent Collection and it will be shipped in time for Mother’s Day (barring any surprises). The winner will choose from one of three fragrances: Sun Dried Cotton, English Lavender and for the Gilligan’s Island/Deadhead crowd, Ginger Patchouli (I’m sure it’s lovely). The collection includes a Large Veriglass Candle, a Reed Diffuser, and a Scented Tassel (in Alabaster, which is, apparently, a color). Yes, a tassel, which is a totally normal gift for your mother. What kind of tassel were you thinking of?

How to Enter

Leave a comment below about your own mother, grandmother, wife, partner, sister or the mother figure of your choice, and you will be entered into the drawing. Tell the world How Moms Light Up Your Life!

Extra Ways to Enter

Do you really, really want to make your home smell better? Of course you do! Here are some opportunities for extra entries, in addition to your comment (yes, you still have to comment, and it better be nice!) with your Moms Light Up Our Lives story:

1) Become a Root Candles Facebook fan and leave a comment on their page!

2) Tweet about this contest using the #rootcandles tag (you can Tweet daily and post the link in the comments below)!

3) Blog about why you want to win the My Mom Lights Up My Life with links back to this post, as well as to the Root Candles’ homepage and post the link to it in the comments below. Yes, again with the comments. Validate me!

Enter Now! Deadline for entries is midnight, PST, Friday, April 26th and the winner will be notified by email. This means you must leave your email IN THE COMMENTS (but not in the ACTUAL comment, rather in the box that says “email” — pure rocket science).

Good luck!

I am hosting this contest in conjunction with Clever Girls Collective despite the painfully obvious fact that I am not clever, a girl nor much of a collector.  I dabble.

Compensation: $50 Visa gift card
Products Received: One Root Candle Scent Collection. I chose Sun Dried Cotton. It smells nice.

For some reason Clever Girls Collective wants me to add this to what I just said:

Root Candles and the Clever Girls Collective provided me with a review sample of the Root Candles Scent Collection prize pack. I was also compensated for my time to manage the contest with a Visa gift card.

It’s like déjà vu all over again. It just smells better.

This contest is now closed. Thank you for participating.

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